That is what was on my list of qualities.

Qualities I was looking for in . . . a girlfriend. I was in my 20’s and was unhappy with my love life. I read a book that suggested that in order to find the love you are looking for, you should identify the characteristics you desire in her.

How were you supposed to identify the right characteristics? The book suggested a number of categories to choose from: looks, interest, religious orientation, etc. It also suggested qualities for each category.

So being the lovelorn fellow that I was, I dutifully constructed my list and came up with 53 individual items. Then, I was supposed to go one step further and share my list with all of my friends and close relatives. In this way, those who thought the best of me could be allies in my search.

To suggest that I took a little ribbing—albeit gentle—is an understatement. After a few weeks, the list disappeared into a folder somewhere to collect dust. The experience left me with a loss of face and still, no girlfriend.

Not such a smart book, eh?

Criteria for Friendship

In so many words, this book was suggesting I define a criteria for friendship. This is not a new concept. Aristotle defined his criteria for friendship as, “Each wishes the good of the friend for the sake of the friend.”

But, how do we form the bonds of friendship?

Many relationship experts suggest that each of us have an instinctive need to grow and develop. This need attracts us to those who embody the qualities that we aspire to possess. It also protects us by repelling us from those who embody characteristics that we find undesirable.

There are two complimentary reasons for this. First, like attracts like. Second, we as humans intuitively understand that we are—to a significant degree—the company we keep.

The instinctive nature of this process leaves relationship selection, for the most part, unconscious. It stays unconscious until you take conscious control. This is more likely to happen when you do not like the results that your unconscious produces, such as an unsatisfactory love life.

Friend Selection System

The ribbing I took for my list came with the criticism that I could not treat my love life like a shopping list. Taking a list of 53 items to the grocery store could certainly fill a refrigerator, or perhaps three.

But, a shopping list is no way to find a lover. There is something magical, chemical, and romantic in love. But, does that mean there is no system?

Sometimes, magic works. If you select your relationships this way, and you end up with friends “who wish the good in you for the sake of you’” great! But, this strategy can leave love, friendship, and client selection to chance.

What is working may be nothing more than a happy accident. Accidents are rarely happy.

Purpose of Client Relationships

Even relationships that come from happy accidents can have a profound effect on us. Relationships have the effect of helping or hindering our natural growth, as spouses and parents, as friends and professionals.

When you grow, your relationships may have to change, or even end, in order to accommodate the new you. As true as this is for personal relationships, it is also true for your client relationships.

The impact that your clients can have on your company and career should convince you to be highly selective. To be anything less than focused is analogous to leaving your retirement to a role of the dice.

Defining or Reevaluating Client Selection Criteria

In my observations, many advisory professionals define their target market. They define their target by industry, income or revenue, company size, years of experience or age, etc

I suggest you go a step further and define selection criteria for your clients. A target market defines the clients you would like to approach. Selection criteria define the clients you choose to work with.

Keep a few things in mind. First, happy accidents are still accidents. It’s only a matter of time before one of them turns out less than happy.

Second, when you are in a position to say “no” to a prospective client because you do not see a fit, it can not only enhance your esteem, but it can also facilitate the start of your client relationships with an appropriate amount of equality.

To get you started, here are three concepts to keep in mind.

1. Focus on the task, initially, and not so much on the person or company

A target niche is nice. Eventually, you will really want to get down and devise a profile of what you want in a client. But before you even start applying the profile, you really have to look at your role in your client’s business from his or her perspective.

What task are you going to accomplish for your client? Your client is looking at a mountain of work to accomplish and has a need to offload a task or responsibility. Offloading this responsibility and knowing it will be done in excellence saves your client tremendous mindspace.

This is where you come in. Focus on the task first. If your prospective client needs help with this specific issue, you can move through your selection sequence. If your client does not need the service you provide, help him or her find a resource in a manner appropriate to the current depth of your relationship, and move on.

Never work through the selection process or entertain serious discussions until you can identify that your service meets your prospective client’s need.

2. Learn how your prospective client treats others.

Ratheon Chairman and CEO, William Swanson, in his booklet, Swanson’s Unwritten Rules of Management, Rule #32: “A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter – or to others – is not a nice person. (This rule never fails.)”

This is an example of situational ethics. People who regard the appropriateness of their behavior as flexible should be avoided. It is only a matter of time before the circumstances of your relationship change. When they do, you can expect poor behavior.

Spotting someone who treats others poorly is not difficult, even if they exude charm in what they perceive to be the right situations. When your prospect is on his or her best behavior, look at the demeanor of those he or she interacts with, especially employees. The reactions and behavior of those who interact with your prospect on a daily basis will tell you a great deal.

Identify when your prospect’s mood is good or not so good. Compare the degree of the mood change to the issue that your prospect is reacting to. Is it appropriate or does it feel too subdued or too emphatic?

And of course, listen to your gut.

3. What company does your prospect keep?

It is true for your prospect as much as it is true for you. You can tell a lot about another by the company they keep.

What Do You Want to Become?

Be mindful and conscious of the professional and/or company you want to become. If you truly are the company you keep, then the clients you select will have a substantial influence on your success in achieving the vision you have for yourself.

Select the work, the clients, and the work dynamic that will support you becoming who you aim to be.

Remember that list of 53 items that found it’s way into a folder to collect dust? I lost track of that list over ten years before I met my wife. Not long ago, while sorting through some old papers, I found it. All 53 items were still legible under all that dust.

And you know what? My wife clearly meets 50 of the items and we can make a good argument for two of the other three. Not a bad ratio.

Leave your client relationships to happy accidents if you want, but I’ll take a system any day. And I have the happy marriage to prove it. 8->

Happy Client Retaining,